One delivers infinite chocolate to children; the other is a gin fueled egomaniac.
T’was the night before Easter and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring—not even myself.
For my drunk roommate—a high strung bunny—
was tossing my appliances because he thought it was funny.
As he broke my dishes, slashed my cushions without sorrow,
I rolled over in my bed and prayed it was tomorrow.
For tonight it was Easter, every child’s favorite day,
Where a bunny brings presents of candy and toys which to play.
Yes all loved Easter, even I at my age,
However the mere mention of it sends my bunny into a rage.
Whether it is the in-store displays or the children tugging on his tail,
Something in him snaps and he barks “get away from me you fat whale!”
He knocks over racks of candy, shoves children in the dirt,
He’ll break your windows and spit on your shirt.
Any other year, he would sit in his chair and drink his booze;
Stay up late and watch infomercials until he succumb to a drunken snooze.
I would awaken the next morning, him passed out on the floor,
And beside him a treasure trove of chocolate I adore.
“The Easter Bunny! The Easter Bunny!” I would scream.
And before me would be piles of chocolate bunnies and eggs of marshmallow cream.
Mr. Flippity Flop would wake with a start and swear and curse.
Then continue to drink until he burst.
This year was different, something wasn’t right.
And from under my covers I could hear him laugh: “Tonight is the night!”
I peeked from my room to see him look as mad as a hatter.
With a bam and smash, he sprang from the house with a resounding clatter.
As I watched him dance and skip up the hill;
Through my spine ran an ice cold chill;
Where he went, it is not certain.
But looking around the room I cursed: “Damn he slashed the curtains!”
What happened next, no one knows,
But from the police report, I can piece together how the encounter goes.
He stumbled around the town, until he found himself a peaceful home,
Where the lights were all out, children slept and in the yard stood one garden gnome.
He climbed the doorsteps, kicked the sleeping cat,
And then with vicious furry—threw away the welcome mat.
He crept in—the only sound was his squishy padded feet,
He turned the corner as in rolled a tiny chocolate treat.
“He’s here!” the bunny exclaimed;
“Now’s my chance to inflict the most pain!”
He jumped into the room with his bat at the ready,
He held the weapon: shouting “who’s your daddy!?”
He regretted those words, for the Easter Bunny was the size of a mini van.
When he stood upright he hit the ceiling fan.
His belly jiggled when he moved, his feet were the size of skis,
His eyes the size of baseballs; his ears as tall as trees.
The Easter Bunny looked our hero up and down,
Then his expression of surprise turned into a frown.
“You are a bad bunny,” he began,
“Good bunnies stay in their bunny beds and don’t act like hooligans.”
Then Mr. Flippity Flop found his courage, he stood his ground:
“You bastard! There can only be one bunny in this town!”
He charged towards his rival! What a sight!
With a stomp of his monster foot the Easter Bunny ended the fight.
“Santa told me about you,” he said with a thunder.
“How you kidnapped the elves, stole his sleigh, how you still get presents is a wonder.”
The Easter Bunny picked up my bunny by the ruff of the collar;
Shook him about and gave a loud holler:
“You are a mean bunny who picked a fight he could not win,
Go back to your home; go back to your gin.
Leave the children alone, stop being a pest.
There is only one Easter Bunny, and I guarantee I’m the best!”
With that said, he took my roommate and threw him out the door.
My bunny hopped home with his rear end bruised and sore.
From the door steps stood the Easter Bunny, so large it was a sight,
He waved and shouted “Happy Easter to all and to all a good night!”
I found this scribble in the “lost files.” Seems fitting to post considering the holiday is upon us. Happy Easter everyone and hope the Easter Bunny is better to you than to Mr. Flippity Flop!